Sunday, February 26, 2012

Attempt of appreciation: The Sun

Today, I tried to appreciate the sun. I went outside and stood there for a bit while letting it hit my face. This was the conversation I had with myself:

- It's too bright.
- But it is quite nice, actually. Some light for a change.
- That's true. But I can't see anything, though.
- Yeah... Not cool to be blinded.
- It's cold.
- Kind of, but not compared to how it was about a month ago. You can't really say it's cold outside now. I do have to agree on that I'm freezing. I could've put some more clothes on, so it's really my fault. I get stupid like that sometimes.
- Yeah, I suppose you do...
- I think people are really excited now that it's sunny outside.
- Yeah... Screw them.
- You're right, screw them.
- You can't blame them, though.
- Suppose I can't. Wish I could.
- It's too bright, it really is.

And then I went inside.

Little Italy in Melbourne. I hope to end up like this again at some point.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Inevitable Life

Sometimes I wonder why I grew up. And I'm writing it like I had a choice in the first place.

From the time I didn't know anything.

It's truly fascinating what life has to offer and how it moulds you, sometimes without you even knowing.

As attentive as you would be when listening to someone who had a really exciting life story to tell, treat yourself with the same attentiveness and prepare to be amazed.

Every facade hides something valuable in forms of experiences and lessons. So what have you learned so far?  
What's your story?

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Google: Depression

I've spent the last couple of months or so thinking about nothing and everything, and not once have I found myself somewhere in between these two states of mind. Yet again, a lot has changed during a short period of time. I'm left puzzled and frustrated because of it. Apparantly, I came to a crossroad without noticing it and now I fully realise that I've gone so far in the wrong direction that finding my way back has become impossible. Or at least that's what it feels like.

You see, there are no recent traumatic events. No recent life changing matters, nor are there any recent epiphanies on my behalf. The only thing that happened; me. It's so contradicting to be at war with myself when that is the person I need the most during my darkest hours. I let myself down gradually and before I know it I'm caught in a negative vicious circle I can't get out of on my own.

In slightly lighter moments like the one I have now, I'm well aware of the fact that finding my way back isn't impossible at all as long as I get a lot of help and a lot of time. I'm also aware of that there are people who've been dealt a bad hand in life and that I'm far from one of them. I'm aware that this feeling of being happy is reachable. I'm aware of that hope, reassurance and contentment exist. During these moments, I'm aware. I might not be able to get there instantly, but at least I'm aware. I suppose the expression is that I see glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, moments like this don't come too often these days, and the absence of them leaves me with... Hell. A place where your thoughts are so far away from the actual truth, where you become so good at twisting everything that you make your own reality that doesn't really exist; an isolated world where sadness, pain, emptiness, anxiety, insecurity and apathy dominates. The worst part is that you end up living in it, which makes it real enough.

Everyone faces hardship during their life. Experiencing misery and trials is inevitable. Even though it's important to be strong, many people don't always have the capacity to take the most reasonable road to recovery. I've accepted that I'm one of those people. Overall, it's OK. It's perfectly OK if you can't make lemonade out of every single lemon that is thrown at you.

Full of temporary hope, I'm writing this to tell you that I will eventually be fine. I also want to tell you that in 90 % of the time, I won't believe the latter sentence I just wrote. During this period of recovery, though, I won't be the person you initially know and love (or hate). All I'm asking for is patience and persistence in those who care. And that you all haven't disappeared when I come out strong in the end.